RUSSEL’S BELIEVE IT OR NOT

Russ: Hey man, you know there’s an immunity idol at camp.

Jaison: How do you know that?

Russ: I seen the script man. I mean, I don’t know. I mean, dey is always a idol at camp. I’m gonna look for it.

Jaison: Without any clues? That’s impossible.

Russ: That’s what dey WANT you to think! All you gotta do is look behind a rock, then behind an ant, then say “Hmmmmm” then look in the tree with the camera in it. I ain’t sayin’ it’s gon’ be easy. It could take 20 minutes. Maybe more!

CSI SAMOA Ep. 2
Mick: Hey Russell. Whatcha doin?

Russell: Aw nuthin. I am just trying to find the Immunity Idol.

Ashley: What did he say?

Mick: I think he said he's "vying for the Community Title." Huh?

Natalie: No, he said he's "trying on a blue and green bridal." That’s so cool!

Ben: No, that's silly, man. He said he was "flying on a you and me rhino." Whatever Russell. C’mon guys, let’s just ignore him.

Elizabeth : Wait! Did you see that!?!? He just grabbed something, jammed it down his shorts and ran off suspiciously as if he had found something important -- perhaps game changing -- that he desperately doesn't want us to see! Should we investigate?

Mick: It's probably nothing. I mean, why would someone grab something, quickly hide it then run away at top speed, unless it was nothing? Duh!

Elizabeth : Well, should we at least look in the tree? It couldn't hurt anything. Plus, we might stumble upon a hidden camera or something. That would be cool.

Mick: No, let’s not waste our time. Instead, let's go eat some sand and stare at the sun. Who’s with me!?!?!?!?

Foa Foa: (collectively) WE ARE!!!
I’m gonna try to stay away from the preposterousness of Russell just randomly finding the Immunity Idol within 20 minutes or so with no clues…especially since when he told Jaison there was an Immunity Idol at camp, he said “You gotta keep it a secret…and I should keep it a secret but the reason I’m telling you this is I trust you…” Uhhhh…you gotta keep ‘what’ a secret, exactly? That just generally and generically, there MIGHT be an idol at camp? Yeah, shhhh! don’t tell anyone about that...

THE FOOTSIE FOIBLES

Jeff: BAM! Great clothesline to the throat by Russell S!

Jeff: Wow! Brilliant eye-gouge by John!

Jeff: Ho! Nice groin-strike by Mike!


Jeff: Impressive E-Honda ****-slaps by Russell H!

Jeff: Yes! Now that’s the way you bite a chunk out of someone’s back, Erik!

Ben: Hmmmm…I just got stabbed in the eye, drop-kicked in the kidneys, and someone just did an Atomic Drop on me then hit me with a Tiger Knee like Sagat. I think I’ll trip Russell.

[TRIPS RUSSELL]

Jeff: WHOA! Wait a minute buddy! What do you think this is!?!? You’re outta here!

Ben basically got booted from the challenge for playing footsies. That was pretty weak. I always hate these challenges anyway. At least for the guys, it puts you in a position where you’re almost in a fight, but you’re not really in a fight, and everyone is trying to go at 80%, hoping the other guys are going to go at 80%, but one dude is bigger/stronger/faster, so his 80% feels like he was at 85% so you overcompensate and get to 90% and it escalates. I like me some mano y mano stuff as much as the next man, but if big strong dudes are going to be teeing off on each other, there should be protective equipment so they can actually unload…that 80 -95% escalation is how people get bitter and/or hurt.

In my season in the sand challenge, I felt that same dynamic. Terry and I were going at it, but we were both trying to be honorable about it. Once Terry, who wrestled as NAVY and is made out of iron apparently, had me from behind with a choke-hold that felt like one of those LAPD style choke-holds (don’t ask me how I know that) . I squeaked out “you got me by the throat” and he let go. I was impressed by that and instead of using his release of that hold as a chance to gain advantage, I let him get another grip, just not around my throat. We ended up going at it pretty hard and we kept it in that ‘safe’ range, but the whole time I kept thinking, it only takes one stray finger in the eye or one push that seems a bit extra, and this whole thing could go up in flames. These challenges have their place obviously but I don’t care for them…

STILL TRIPPIN’…

Later we found Yasmin trippin’ in her own way on Ben.

Yasmin: YOU TACKLED ME!?!?! DO I LOOK LIKE A DUDE?

Ben: Well, actually…

Yasmin: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH! YADDA YADDA YADDA! Do I look like a football player? Do I look like a rugby player? BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!

When Yasmin started pulling that ghetto-tourettes s*** on Ben, my only thought was “Ben, let it go bro. You cannot win that one. Just walk away.” When a black woman decides to start going off on you in public and you know you didn’t do anything wrong, unless you’re a latin woman, you cannot win that battle. It’s just not a fair fight. She knows you can’t start yelling at her too b/c then you look like a little ol’ beotch, and you can’t hit her b/c then you look like a coward, so you just stand there getting clowned like you’re a 3rd grader that forgot his field-trip slip again. You either have to break out the trusty “Shut up ****!” or you have to walk away and just let her do her thing.

I think Ben handled that encounter about as well as could be hoped for by someone getting yelled at while standing around in the shorts Rocky was wearing when he was dry-**** Apollo at the beach in Rocky III. And I didn’t actually have a problem with Ben calling Yasmin ‘ghetto’ because… she was ghetto. I’ve been in the ghetto plenty of times, and that was very familiar. The first episode I remember thinking, “Cool, they found a young, attractive, athletic, CLASSY black woman that can compete physically and socially.” Then, just as I was settling in on the couch for Ep. 2, she turned into Sha-nay-nay. That’s what Yasmin was going for, that’s what she showed, and at some point political correctness has to take a back seat you have to call a spade a spade -- though I’m glad Ben didn’t actually call her a spade and instead opted for the ketchup sandwich angle…btw, there’s nothing wrong w/ ketchup sandwiches by the way, as long as you mix in a slice of fried bologna and have a side of Now and Laters.

THE SWAMP THING

Shambo forgot the first two rules of swimming in a swamp.

1) Don’t swim in a swamp.

2) If you gotta swim in a swamp, don’t lose the tribe’s s*** in the swamp.

That water was pitch-black...and Russell S thought this was the ‘smart one’…?

I like how she was like “I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is I destroyed half of our fishing gear. The good news is…my mullet is completely unaffected by swamp scum. Win!” And I like that when she got out of the swamp her mullet turned into one of those bullet-proof Eddie Munster helmets. I hope that thing is insured. That thing is priceless...

GREAT MOMENTS NEGOTIATION HISTORY

Ashley: We have to figure out who to vote out. Ben is such an outlaw. Plus, I hate him.

Natalie: Yeah, and that chopping wood in the middle of the night was a bit too passive aggressive. Yeah, I think we should vote off Ben.

Betsy: Yeah! You’re right! You’re right! I mean, who would you rather spend the next 30+ days with? An outlaw -- or your MOTHER who’s also a COP?

Hmmmm…let me think about that one.

Not a whole lot going on in this episode. Pretty boring. I think Mike actually put it down pretty hard for an older dude in that challenge. Sorry to see him go on a health related issue…but very surprised he was out there in the first place. I like how dude basically had a heart-attack and Jeff tried to channel Dr. House and said “So, is this something a few coconut shells of water will solve?” Heh heh…that was rich.

Russell actually is the best player so far. I’m glad to see that he actually has some game and isn’t just a character. He’s playing a fast and loose game w/ a sense of confidence that I can only say is odd, but hey crazy game is better than no game. He has a compelling package I think. Good athlete, aggressive social game, and a disarming, toof-missing style that hides a dangerous level of Survivor intelligence. Plus, the dude just incredible at finding s***.

NEXT TIME ON RUSSVIVOR:

Russell unifies physics!!! Then he explains what was in Marcellus Wallace’s briefcase!!! Then he draws a perfect map in the sand showing where Amelia Earhart went down!!! Then he reveals the last digit of Pi !!!Then, after doing all that easy stuff, he finds another Immunity Idol…!!! And another!!! And another!!! saying “Dang, dis is easy! Dey is all over da place!” Ehhhhh… at least he’s entertaining.